It is so hard for me sometimes to do what it is that God wants me to do.

I think that I know what the will of God is for me: to be a good father, to be a good teacher, to draw near to him in worship and prayer, to grow with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

But I am often hindered by my brokenness.

I find it hard to do the things that He wants me to do, because my human nature beats me to the punch. Before I get a chance to think, “Would Christ want you to be doing this or saying this or even thinking this?”, I am doing or saying or thinking things that I end up regretting later.

I argue with my wife about things that are stupid and prideful. I get angry with my kids when they demand my time, time I would rather spend on myself. I am not getting what I want a lot, and I get angry and jealous and prideful.

I need less of me in my life. I want to kill myself, not in the sense that I want to end my own life, but in the sense that I wish that my pride and ego and self-importance were destroyed forever, so that I could do the things that God wants me to do without resentment.

Is there anyone else out there who wishes that they were dead, so that they could live for Christ?