It occurred to me today that I could really use a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I’m sorry”, without there being any sorrow.

Have you ever done something impulsive that you regretted doing later? Who hasn’t, right?!?! Try to bring to mind a time when you’ve done such a thing.

Let me ask you this: this thing that you did, the thing that was regrettable, was it wrong? Most people, with a decent moral code, would regret having done something wrong, if it truly was the wrong thing to do.

Or, let me ask you this instead: have you ever done something that was right that you regretted? Have you ever done the right thing, but it was a bad choice?

What is the difference between regretting something and being sorry for something?

* * *

My wife came home from a bike ride the other day and said that her hands had fallen asleep during the ride, as she was gripping the handlebars and the hand brakes. I told her I was sorry, and she said, as she so often does, “It wasn’t your fault.”

Whether or not it was my fault, I’m still sorry –> sorry that it happened to her.

To be sorry for something doesn’t assume responsibility. I am sorry that clean water is a significant problem for billions of people in the world, but I am not responsible for the dirty water that plagues all of those people. To be sorry means ‘to have sorrow’, and sorrow is a feeling of sadness or grief. It makes me sad that there are children who can’t receive an education because their chief familial responsibility is to walk several miles, one way, every day to collect water for their family’s needs. I am saddened and grieved by that situation.

But that doesn’t mean I’m responsible for it.

And, to go a little further with this example, there are even some things that I can do to try to rectify that situation; I could donate to organizations (and I do) that are working to get clean drinking water to more people in more parts of the world. Doing this makes me feel better –> it helps to alleviate my grief and sadness. In the same way that I might pick up a piece of trash that I find on the ground and throw it away, I can work to try to fix things that are wrong in the world, even if they’re not my fault.

Maybe, to get back to my original example, I could adjust the handlebars on my wife’s bike, to try to fix it so that her hands don’t fall asleep during her rides. Figuring out who’s responsible for the handlebars being that way –if, in fact, anyone at all is responsible– doesn’t accomplish as much as fixing the problem does.

And none of this answers my original question.

Why is it that people say, “I’m sorry” so often? Is it the case that every “I’m sorry” contains in it the sorrow or the grief that the statement implies? I would suggest not; in fact, I would suggest that it is, more often than not, just something that we say, whether we are grieved or not.

* * *

When the kids were younger, and I would catch them doing something that they shouldn’t have been doing, they would say, “I’m sorry”, when I knew full-well that they weren’t. And I would tell them, “No, you’re not, because sorrow includes a desire to change, and you’ll probably do this again.”

While I haven’t had to say that in a long time, since the kids are now much older and more responsible with their decision-making, I don’t even know if I would say that to them. I’m not sure that I was correct to begin with.

I’m not sure ‘being sorry’ includes any intentions to change.

The funny part about those interactions with the kids, all those years ago, was when I would bring some consequence to bear for the choices that they made. It was then –and maybe only then– that they’d be really sorry.

Or, perhaps, that’s what regret is? Or remorse?

Now, I think I am starting to get somewhere with all of this.

* * *

During the winter of my senior year in high school, I was dating a girl that wasn’t a good match for me. I suspect that everyone knew it –> everyone except for me, anyway. We weren’t a good match because we were headed in different directions, cut from different cloth. I was headed to a major university for the upcoming school year, and she had no plans for education after high school. I was taking AP Physics and AP Chemistry and Calculus my senior year; the only class that I had with my girlfriend, that I remember, was choir.

She broke up with me on February 11th, 1994. We were heading out to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I’d bought a stuffed puppy dog and a box of Valentine’s Day chocolates for her. She broke up with me as I picked her up to go out for the evening; we never even got out of her driveway. I think I went home, ate half the chocolates, and ripped the stuffed puppy limb from limb.

At the time, I would have done anything to have avoided feeling that heartbreak, that SORROW and GRIEF. I was sorry for what had happened, for sure. But, it was about six weeks after that Valentine’s Day from hell, that I ended up taking a different girl out on a date. That girl is sitting in the room next to where I’m writing this, and she’s my life-long best friend and the love of my lifetime.

In February of 1994, I was ‘cut loose’ by my girlfriend who was, I suspect, a more mature person, at the time. She did me a favor, even though I would have sworn at the time that it was anything but a favor. The sorrow of that moment, and the regret that I felt about the decision that she made, are gone. What seemed regrettable and unfortunate, at the time, is no longer so.

* * *

I think we should stop saying “I’m sorry” in situations when we have no sorrow; it’s just not an accurate thing for us to say. It would probably be more to the point for us to say “I regret that”.

I think a big part of this issue for me is the understanding that, many times, people are often only upset about their behavior when it brings upon them negative consequences. We make choices, to do what we do, and we regret those choices –sometimes– when they were the wrong choices, but more often, we only regret our choices when they have unpleasant ramifications.

The speeder who gets pulled over and gets a speeding ticket for $200 might regret the decision to speed, but would they have regretted the choices if the speeding ticket was for $25?

I additionally find it exceedingly rare that remorse even enters into these situations much any more. The speeder who gets pulled over and ticketed –whether it’s for $25 or $200 or $1000– is probably going to end up speeding again, because there’s no remorse. While we can cause a person to be sorry for speeding (“Where am I going to come up with $1000? Woe is me!”) and you can make them regret their choice (“Well, that was an expensive decision!”), remorse seems to be something that people decide for themselves.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I’m sorry”, without there being any sorrow, I’d be rich. If I had to pay back a dollar for every time that I’ve done the wrong thing without any remorse, I think I’d be back where I started.