It occurred to me today that asking for help, and getting it, is complicated.

I am a problem-solver for my school district. On most days, I solve the problems of the people who are using the technology of the school district, whether those people are students or staff. Today, I handled three situations, almost back-to-back-to-back, that are pretty representative of the kinds of problems that I handle most of the time. These three problems, and the sequence in which they came to me, got me to thinking about assistance.

Let me explain.

These three problems came in, and I was able to deal with each of them, in turn. None of them were particularly challenging; if anything, I was more frustrated by the idea of having to spend my time answering questions that were so simple as to boggle the mind. Literally, one of these issues wasn’t an issue at all; the user just thought there was an issue because they’d not done a basic level of investigating.

I’ve been noticing, more and more lately, that when people ask for help, they do so after a number of different variables have come into play in an equation that is different for every person. That equation, when it reaches a certain point, causes a person to ask for assistance on any particular problem.

What’s even more interesting about this equation for assistance is this: the longer that I’ve been working with some of the staff members in my school district, the better I get to know them and the more I understand that they ask for assistance –from me and presumably from others– once they’ve reached a certain point. For the people that I’ve been working with the longest, I know where that point is and how much work they’ve done (or not done) to try to address their own issues.

As I’ve been thinking more and more about this, I’ve started to think about our society, and the extent to which people seek assistance from others, either very early because they are unaccustomed with wrestling with a problem until a solution can be reached, or rather late because there are certain variables in play that keep the individual from asking for assistance until after the optimum point for doing so.

For example, guys never ask for directions, right?

That equation, and the way that all of the variables determine at which point a guy is going to stop and ask for directions, if he’s lost, is a complicated thing that varies as much as each guy is different from each other guy.

When you are in the business of answering people’s questions, of offering assistance, of helping people, understanding what brings them to you and the process through which they’ve made their way is important in helping you to be able to assist them in the manner that is most appropriate.

As I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve been wondering about the variables in the equation.

For certain, one of these variables is the pride/humility factor.

Individuals who tend to be proud are less likely to ask for assistance until later in their struggle. For proud people, asking for assistance is tantamount to admitting defeat. For people who tend to be more humble, their readiness to seek assistance results in them getting assistance more quickly, obviously. What might not be as obvious is the fact that humble people, having asked for assistance and having received it, are more likely to proceed through the challenges they face at a decent rate of speed, having received the assistance that they weren’t too proud to ask for.

The balance that is at play in this scenario is interesting, inasmuch as there is a gender gap in humility, I think; women are much more likely to be humble people. Since this is true, they are probably much more likely to ask for assistance in a timely fashion.

Another part of the equation that determines when we ask for help, I think, is our own feeling of competence. I notice this a lot, when it comes to technology; people who feel like they are incompetent don’t have as many reservations about asking for help as do people who are operating under a belief that they have some skill in a particular area.

Additionally, I think hope is a factor, whether or not there is a lot of data to support the suggestion. People who tend to be less hopeful –hopeless, in general– are more likely to ask for help more quickly because they don’t tend to believe that there is a chance that they might figure things out on their own.

Confidence is a thing, by the way, and I’ve proved it as a person who works with individuals who seem to have trouble doing things. If you’ve ever seen the movie, Dumbo, then you know what I’m talking about. The idea, that Dumbo believed in his head that he could fly because of the feather that he held in his trunk, seems silly, when you think about it. But, as silly as it might be, imagine this scenario:

I’ve taken a device from someone, to replace it with a different device, because the person is convinced that the device is the problem. Sometimes, when you are in that situation, replacing the device is the only thing you can do to help the person to be able to succeed. But, I’ve taken a device from someone, gone into a different room to “replace it with a different device”, and then I give them the exact same device back. And, you’d be surprised how often a person is able to do what they couldn’t do before, when they just believe that the obstacles have been removed. Same device and everything.

Now, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like there is point that we ought to try to make it to before we ask for help. I probably believe this because of the interactions that I’ve had with people, seeking my assistance, only to come to find out that they really didn’t try very hard at all at trying to fix their own problems, before they decide to come and pester me. Conversely, I feel like people often don’t give themselves enough credit; there’s no telling what might happen in situations where people are willing to just try for a few seconds longer at solving their own issues.

So, the next time you are in a position to seek assistance, ask yourself if you’ve tried hard enough to come up with your own solutions. You could surprise yourself. On the other side of the coin, try not to struggle unnecessarily, because of your own pride, before seeking that assistance that could put you further down the road.